I remember exactly when it happened - Some would say it was the head injury. Some would say it was the divorce. But no, it began with a heartfelt intention in the form of a prayer.....
It was exactly 6 years ago on Superbowl Weekend and I was at the Prestigious Home Care 100. I had just finished facilitating the NAHC Strategic Planning Retreat. I stood on that stage and had a moment where I felt like I had finally made it. I was finally sitting at the "big boy table."
The Home Care 100 was at the Ritz Carlton at Laguna Beach. The who's who was gathered all in one place. I was dressed for success. I had to be - it was a part of my brand. Stilettos and structured dresses met with perfect make up and flat-ironed hair. I was so proud of myself for being there and all that I had accomplished as a business strategist (my CEO life was very fulfilling), yet I was deeply aware of the sadness that had infiltrated my life.
It is a terrible feeling to have the sense that you MUST achieve unprecedented success in order to simply stay alive. My marriage had been struggling ever since my father in law passed. Our finances were in terrible shape in the wake of shuttering my ex-husband's commercial real estate brokerage the year before. Paying off the losses of his business meant that my income stream had to be HUGE just to barely make it every month. And I was a mom to a new baby girl.
While I mingled in the bar (attempting to look bulletproof in my steel grey dress), I crumbled when one of my colleagues asked me if I was pregnant. I was in recovery from an eating disorder. She didn't know. In fact, she asked because I was no longer the emaciated version of myself that had shown up at the NAHC Annual Meeting 6 months earlier. Instead, I was finally eating again (after having my gall bladder removed) and I my body showed new curves that weren't there before. She said I was glowing. I couldn't hear the compliment through my horror at the idea that someone thought I looked pregnant.
People say the darndest things. But here's the truth - there is no way of knowing the struggles faced by others. My colleagues had no idea what my life was like at the time. Heck, I didn't even want to face what my life was like, because that would have meant incomprehensible change.
Deep down, though, I yearned for the path that God wanted for me. I knew that I cared far too much about what other people thought of me, and it was keeping me locked in a constant pattern of self harm. I knew that I wanted a different life - one that was finally in harmony with God's will. And so I placed my feet in the warm sand and said, "God, I want a simpler and more abundant life."
Everything changed from that day forward. Within 6 weeks I was bed bound with a traumatic brain injury (TBI) that ended my career. Within 6 months I discovered that I was an acquired savant artist with an insatiable curiosity for theology. Within a year I was on my way toward divorce. Now it's been six years and I live on a beautiful farm with my daughter, goats, horse, cats, fish....it's the life of my dreams.
As I look back, I wouldn't change a thing. Yes, I walk a difficult road, but It's the path of descent that prunes that which we no longer need and helps us to move toward the path that God has set before us. This letting go is often confused with suffering. But make no mistake - even in the midst of my latest health challenge, I am NOT suffering. The only time I have ever felt as if I was truly suffering was exactly 6 years ago, when I was reaching out to God in the face of an unbalanced life, terrified of what other people thought of me, fearful of losing everything that I had built, and asking that He hear my prayer.
No comments:
Post a Comment