Sunday, September 23, 2018
Thursday, September 20, 2018
"Becoming an EMPTY vessel filled with Spirit is what life's about; suffering is simply resistance to the fluidity of the cosmos."
~ Blue Phoenix
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I've been wondering "why" for a while now, but this morning I decided to share some of my questioning out loud....
Why do we idealize smaller/tiny feminine bodies? Why are powerful feminine bodies considered masculine? Why do we look for a woman's frame to be as thin as possible when she turns sideways in the mirror, especially her belly? Are we trying to make her less threatening/take up less space/disappear? Speaking of the belly, the place where life emerges from, why do we want a woman's tummy to be shredded, masculine, cinched, almost inverted as opposed to full? Oh my isn't it telling that we want the source of life in a woman to be cinched! And why are fully covered braless breasts unacceptable? Breasts must be CONTAINED! Why do we find it more desirable for women to be perched on stiletto heels? Why are tools and trucks considered masculine? Why is jewelry feminine? Why is a loud male voice booming and powerful, and a loud female voice is....INSERT INSULT HERE. Why is my bulldog considered a "man's dog?" Why is polygamy only one man with multiple women? Why not the other way around? Why do women participate in cultural biases? What would be the implication within our relationships with men if we were to drop the contortions and simply live in harmony with our own truth? How is our feminine truth shaped by the masculine lens? Are we even aware of how the masculine lens shapes feminine thought? How are these questions different across the spectrum of women (gender and sexuality)? How does questioning impact relationships with other women? Even in asking the questions, do we risk being put down, made fun of, shamed or even abandoned?
I'm not looking for answers to the questions...that's not the point. I am allowing the questions to be what they are....and I suppose I'm encouraging other women to ask their own questions, because transcendence begins with questioning.
Sunday, September 16, 2018
Today I met with my Spiritual Director. It was a major accomplishment, as I FINALLY was well enough to see her in person in the City. What emerged during our time together was powerful and transformative, as I allowed myself to walk into the terror AND grace of my most recent health emergency. I'm not ready to put my thoughts into words just yet-I'm drawing my feelings instead. However, I'll say this...the following quote from Kierkegaard (one of my favorite Theologians) captures some of the experience. Rooted in nondualism, both terrifying and glorious, an authentic brush with non-being WILL indeed shake a person to the core.
"To love God is the only happy love, but on the other hand it is also something terrible. Face to face with God we are without standards and without comparisons; we cannot compare ourselves with God, for here we become nothing, and directly before God, in the presence of God, we dare not compare ourselves with others. Therefore in every person there is a prudent fear of having anything to do with God, because by becoming involved with God we become nothing."
Saturday, September 15, 2018
"There she is. . . the “too much” woman. The one who loves too hard, feels too deeply, asks too often, desires too much.
There she is taking up too much space, with her laughter, her curves, her honesty, her sexuality. Her presence is as tall as a tree, as wide as a mountain. Her energy occupies every crevice of the room. Too much space she takes.
There she is causing a ruckus with her persistent wanting, too much wanting. She desires a lot, wants everything—too much happiness, too much alone time, too much pleasure. She’ll go through brimstone, murky river, and hellfire to get it. She’ll risk all to quell the longings of her heart and body. This makes her dangerous.
She is dangerous.
And there she goes, that “too much” woman, making people think too much, feel too much, swoon too much. She with her authentic prose and a self-assuredness in the way she carries herself. She with her belly laughs and her insatiable appetite and her proneness to fiery passion. All eyes on her, thinking she’s hot shit.
Oh, that “too much” woman. . . too loud, too vibrant, too honest, too emotional, too smart, too intense, too pretty, too difficult, too sensitive, too wild, too intimidating, too successful, too fat, too strong, too political, too joyous, too needy—too much.
She should simmer down a bit, be taken down a couple notches.
Someone should put her back in a more respectable place. Someone should tell her.
Here I am. . . the Too Much Woman, with my too-tender heart and my too-much emotions.
A hedonist, feminist, pleasure seeker, empath. I want a lot—justice, sincerity, spaciousness, ease, intimacy, actualization, respect, to be seen, to be understood, your undivided attention, and all of your promises to be kept.
I’ve been called high maintenance because I want what I want, and intimidating because of the space I occupy. I’ve been called selfish because I am self-loving. I’ve been called a witch because
I know how to heal myself.
And still. . . I rise. Still, I want and feel and ask and risk and take up space.
Us Too Much Women have been facing extermination for centuries—we are so afraid of her, terrified of her big presence, of the way she commands respect and wields the truth of her feelings. We’ve been trying to stifle the Too Much Woman for eons
—in our sisters, in our wives, in our daughters. And even now, even today, we shame the Too Much Woman for her bigness, for her wanting, for her passionate nature.
And still. . . she thrives.
In my own world and before my very eyes, I am witnessing the reclamation and rising up of the Too Much Woman. That Too Much Woman is also known to some as Wild Woman or the Divine Feminine. In any case, she is me, she is you, and she is loving that she’s finally, finally getting some airtime.
If you’ve ever been called “too much,” or “overly emotional,” or “bitchy,” or “stuck up,” you are likely a Too Much Woman.
And if you are. . . I implore you to embrace all that you are—all of your depth, all of your vastness; to not hold yourself in, and to never abandon yourself, your bigness, your radiance.
Forget everything you’ve heard—your too muchness is a gift; oh yes, one that can heal, incite, liberate, and cut straight to the heart of things.
Do not be afraid of this gift, and let no one shy you away from it. Your too muchness is magic, is medicine. It can change the world.
So please, Too Much Woman: Ask. Seek. Desire. Expand. Move. Feel. Be.
Make your waves, fan your flames, give your chills."
I am now offering 1-2 minute mini-artistic meditations. Sometimes they will be drawing. Others will involve paint. Simply rest your brain when you watch, and allow yourself to feel the creativity emerge.
You can access these short videos on my YouTube channel or via my website (www.bluephoenixart.com).
The idea is to allow your brain to access the same healing spot that I go to naturally through the use of "mirror neurons" - in other words, by watching the artistic process, your brain is learning to do as I do...This isn't woo-woo - it's neurological science!
Let me know what you think about this new offering :)
A morning thought - People shouldn't be blindsided by the feelings of those close to them. Unfortunately, this is an all-to-common occurrence. When authenticity isn't at the center of a relationship, individuals avoid being deeply honest with each other. In the avoidance of pain, however, suffering multiplies.
Healthy relationships require transparency. When all of the doors and windows are open, individuals are free to do as they wish...free to take care of their own needs...free to ask for what they want....free to say yes or no...free to be honest about gifts and limitations...freely LOVING one another without co-dependence and enmeshment.
I've been blindsided by some significant relationships, including my most recent break up (via text no less). It's something that I think about often...as I try to prevent the anguish that goes with unanticipated HURT. I have come to realize, though, that I cannot prevent it; i can simply continue to live with an open heart, I can continue to LOVE, and I can be discerning about those with whom I journey.
Today, I feel grateful for my tribe. I have people that I can count on, and I can trust that they are being REAL. Ironically, this trust is rooted in their ability to say NO...because with that in place...I know that any YES is freely given!
Monday, September 10, 2018
Starting my "work day"....
People come downtown for their jobs every day, but beneath the usual hustle and bustle of the able bodied are those if us that make the trek downtown for one reason...healing. For us, the medical journey is our job. Treatments, tests, appointments all take a great deal of time and energy when you're fighting for health. And the days at home are spent recuperating so that you can keep running the marathon that lies ahead.
Unless you know where to find us, you might not even think that we are in the city amongst the law firms, tech giants and designer shops. In this sense, we are largely invisible. But we are here.
So today I packed my Tumi rolling bag that used to accompany me on long flights in my entrepreneurial days....and I await the start of my NEW work day. I'll be here for 8 hours. In fact, every three weeks I spend five FULL days in the infusion center getting my ivig treatment.
I am not gonna lie, the treatment isn't easy. IVIG is life saving, and potentially curative for me, but it comes with a whole host of side effects. Add to it the big needle that they use to access my port each time, and I'd say that my workday is pretty badass.
I'm choosing to be seen these days. I no longer wish to hide. I am invisible no more.
Wednesday, September 5, 2018
Such a happy life.
She's off to school and I'm off to get my badass IVIG treatment.
That's why I have the bandage on my chest, it's a port that allows the infusion to go directly into a catheter in my heart.
I find myself wondering....the traumatic brain injury completely rewired my thinking, I got a microbiome transplant just a few years later, and now I'm getting an entirely new immune system. If this is the upgrade that God has in mind for me, what on Earth is God preparing me for?