"You must cultivate activities you love. You must discover work that you do not for its utility, but for itself...How many activities can you count in your life that you engage in simply because they delight you and grip your soul? Find them, cultivate them, for they are your passport to freedom and love." Anthony De Mello
Today I am aware that I live a life that brings me JOY. That's why the health stuff is tolerable. Every ounce of this life brings me delight. My old life was filled with suffering, because I couldn't say my life was my own. I was a slave to other people's opinions of me. Today, as I get pumped up on iv fluids, I'm courageously choosing to embrace my life NOW....exactly as I am....
There's an isolation that comes slowly when you don't recognize your own body. It becomes challenging to go out. The internal dialogue can get difficult...."How do i wear a bathing suit? I don't have any clothes that fit me!" And then it gets deeper....."I can't date anyone looking like this." And the hardest. ..."I know i look different. ...I don't know if I can handle their reaction to me." As a result, life becomes smaller. Less time with friends, less time in the water....just less.....and this is not conducive to healing.
It's a conscious choice to say "Fuck it." I learned through art to gently "shhhhhh" my inner critic and allow my subconscious to speak. The same skill applies here.
I don't recognize myself, you may or may not recognize me, but I'm going to say yes to the things I WANT to do, and that I feel good enough to do. And that's how I'm going to continue to heal. Slowly....steadily....embracing all of myself exactly as I am and daring to be REAL as I do it.