Almost Back in the Saddle

I did it!  3 visits means that tomorrow,  for the first time in two years, I'm gonna get back on my big warhorse. 

It's something that ive been fighting for... my Harvey literally has my heart beating in his chest.  I need him.  But he's not like other horses.  You don't just get back on a horse like Harvey.  Ive been close many times, only to crash.  And today, I almost lost my chance.  A mandatory orientation at my daughter's school did me in. Im sure none of the people there noticed that I was having a tough time,  but my adrenal system struggled to made it through.  Thanks to stress doses I did it!  Then i came home and slept to recover.  This is life with an #invisibledisability.  Kiddo always comes first, even if it means waiting on Harvey.

But......As I sat here pulling myself back together (this is why I don't attend group activities... I'm not antisocial...I just can't do it!), I thought for a moment that I wasn't going to be able to ride tomorrow.  It's all I wanted for my birthday.   I prayed for God's will.... and slowly i could feel my body begin to rejuvenate.  Yes, i can ride tomorrow! 

We need something to keep us reaching. Harvey is my constant reminder that God is Grace.  And tomorrow I get to feel his great power beneath me.   Thanks be to God.

I am Concerned

I am neither Democrat nor Republican. Having taken Masters level courses in criminology and social justice in my youth, and having become a contemplative monastic in the second half of life, It's no secret that I walk with those on the margins.   This is the core of my secular Franciscan theology.

But I don't live in a vacuum.  My study of constitutional law and political science in college cultivated a love of our Republic, especially the constitution and the supreme court.  I remember standing on the steps of the Supreme Court with pure admiration.  Why?  Their only job is to interpret the Constitution.  Wow! They are the protectors of our freedom.

Why am I writing all this?

Im concerned.  The political discourse is raging, taking on constitutional issues like the 2nd Amendment, the electoral college, abortion, and more.  As our constitution takes center stage in this election, people on both sides of the aisle are debating issues using a present day lens and/or considering intent of the Framers.  

Im looking at it differently.  Im curious about the precedent we are setting for the next 400 years....1000 years.... if we are lucky enough to still have a nation.  Our fellow nations around the world have histories that go back thousands of years.  Can you imagine how that perspective impacts governance?

As a contemplative I'm sitting with the question: How will the decisions we make today impact the future of our nation, a future that we cannot imagine?  It's a big question, and sitting with it makes it impossible to easily take sides on current issues. 

Thus sitting with these questions helps me better grasp the various perspectives with curiosity as I discern my own opinions. 

Those who have discerned that they are called to fighting for what they believe, this is not a statement to stop.

This is my statement of concern and questioning. A statement I felt called to share (which I rarely do).  Perhaps it might ring true to another who feels similarly,  and it opens space to take an alternative position. 

Art by Heather Thompson
Blue Phoenix Art
www.bluephoenixart.com

The Long Healing Road Before Me

I'm becoming aware of the road that lies before me.  It's not about getting back to where I was. No,  this has been more akin to the head injury I sustained in 2011.  I have transformed again, and I have come to accept this new normal. This body is beautifully imperfect.  This soul carries a connection to God that I never could have imagined,  and im at peace in my contemplative monastic life. 

And yet the time has come to begin walking my body through the phases of healing. It feels daunting.  Im choosing to focus on the present moment.  I am at peace in this moment.  God, how can I serve your will in this moment?

I would welcome prayers for healing and for Gods will in my life.

Healing GOOD NEWS

Prayers are answered. Yesterday I learned from the neuromuscular experts at UW that I no longer need to be concerned about neuromuscular disease.  What a relief!  This includes LEMS, and it means that I can come off the firdapse immediately.  That's one less medicine (HOORAY) and one less avenue of diagnosis.  Whether it was an entire year of high dose IVIG that did it,  who knows?!  I'm grateful. Thank you God.

The Doctor identified something wonky with my eyes yesterday,  so I have to follow up on that.... but that's small compared to the other issues that have been on the table.

Although I still have other health stuff to deal with, including a still undiagnosed inflammatory something, I'm beginning to see things heading in a new direction of healing.  Im having much less breakthrough pain and im able to move around more without crashing.  That said,  my pace is slow.  I get very tired very easily.   The nausea and body pain are my reminders when ive done a little too much.   If I really over do it, then it's usually an attack of some kind... so I will keep everything "country slow" as I make the adjustments that my doctors ask of me.  My stress level will remain as low as possible, therefore no school for now. Painting, mothering, spending time with my animals, REHAB with Harvey... this is my life as I heal.  Slow and very steady. 

As I surrender to God. Not my will but thine.
Amen

Im Not Looking Back...

... that's not the way to going!

It's been almost exactly 2 years (2017) since the machete pain suddenly hit my back.  3 years since I lost my hearing (2016), was placed on prednisone for the first time and discovered I had adrenal Insufficiency. 4 years since the CDIFF superbug landed me in the hospital (2015) followed by a microbiome transplant at Harborview that cured me,  but changed my body forever. 6 years since the divorce was final (2013).  Nearly 8 years since the TBI that changed everything (2011), and the day I learned my husband didn't love me anymore.  Almost 11 years since the life threatening birth of my daughter (2008)...

I could go on but I won't. It's been a decade of learning!

And after all of this,  today I came to an important awareness, which I will share.

Im whole exactly as I am.
Im not trying to get back to something I was before this latest fiasco with my health. 
Im moving forward into the unknown of healing.
May God lead the way.
Not my will, but thine.
Amen.

NEW ART!

Humanize the OTHER

In this election season, many are surrounded by like minded individuals, steeped in likeminded commentary, fed news by likeminded outlets.  Ive heard the rhetoric on both sides grow progressively more polarized since the last election, even describing the other as evil.  Dehumanizing others is dangerous, no matter how despicable we find their views and actions. Ive returned to reading lessons from Etty Hillesum to remind myself of LOVE even in the most hateful circumstances.

In my spiritual tradition, Jesus prayed for those that tortured and murdered him.  This is not a lesson to be taken lightly.  This is a reminder of just how deeply we are called to LOVE in Christianity.

I am now asking questions, including the source of my information.  Where am I learning about what the other side is saying?  What would it look like to actually discuss opposing views, human to human, with someone with whom I disagree?  Finally, as community is replaced by online forums and large hives of people with similar views, where's the every day communal interaction that pulls us to the center?