My Honest Struggle

I'm off the prednisone. Major accomplishment.. Today i went for a horse walk and achieved my fitbit step goal of 7000 steps.  I'm slowly increasing it.  I also had energy for the first time since stopping...and slept through the night for the first time last night.  All progress! 

But here's my honest struggle.  i had it happen again where i didn't recognize myself in the mirror.  No idea why i was more swollen today than yesterday....and on top of it, i have some clogged eye pore thing that makes my eye look weird.  Awesome.  Thankfully i caught it early.

Truthfully... i thought I'd get off the prednisone and return to normal overnight. That sounds silly to say, but it's kind of true. I mean...the swelling happened overnight!

But now I'm putting the journey into perspective and attempting to ask the bigger questions.  How am i to LOVE myself through this part of the journey?  How am i to let others LOVE me when all I want to do is hide. 

I talk about being body positive....but this is badass.

If you don't know about prednisone and weight, here's a good synopsis about changes to ones appearance:

"Steroids affect your metabolism and how your body deposits fat. This can lead to weight gain, and in particular lead to extra deposits of fat in your abdomen (and face). Don't let weight gain damage your self-esteem. Know that the weight will come off - and your stomach return to its normal size - relatively easily in the six months to a year after you discontinue steroids."

Awesome. So the journey continues. 

I am HUMAN

"A woman cannot make the culture more aware by saying 'Change' but she can change her own attitude towards herself thereby causing devaluing projections to glance off. She does this by taking back her body. By not forsaking the joy of her natural body. By not purchasing the popular illusion that happiness is only bestowed on those of a certain configuration of age, by not waiting or holding back to do anything, and by taking back her real life and living it full bore, all stops out. The dynamic self acceptance and self-esteem are what begins to change attitudes and culture."

Women who run with the wolves. Clarissa Pinkola Estes.

Original art by Heather Thompson Blue Phoenix Art

I Am Human

Mixed Media on Woodboard

Migraine Slides and Book Recommendation

For those interested in learning more about how the brain behaves after a concussive incident, or for those that deal with chronic conditions like fibromayalgia, etc....This is the book I was told to get. You can download it onto a Kindle. Title: "Stahl's Illustrated Chronic Pain and Fibromyalgia"

And, here are the slides that I was shown yesterday at the UW headache clinic.

It's a fascinating issue of "brain energy" and having the right "stuff" to manage body systems. It's remarkable that the entire body is affected by the brain - yet, in medicine, we treat them all as separate. FINALLY someone is putting the pieces together. Note that I did an art piece on this and donated it to Harborview a while back. I suppose my journey is now finally catching up to the intuitive wisdom I had back then.

Letting Go, Self Emptying, Kenosis

Letting go of perfectionism and other people's opinions is badass....but necessary as a part of the self-emptying required for ministry - also known as Kenosis.

"Kenosis" is derived from the Greek word "kenoo" which means "to empty."

What God wants is not always the same as what I think I want and what other humans might want from me. I learned this when I finally had the courage to say "NO" and it effectively ended my marriage. I continue to learn to become empty in the context of my physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual journey. Just like painting, becoming a vessel requires letting go and allowing myself to follow the gentle nudges. My will/ego/desires often gets in the way. It's only when I am willing to totally let go - even if it means "destroying a painting" - that I can notice the Spirit move. And as many great theologians have stated, it is often the chaos and mess that precedes the breakthrough. One must allow it to happen.

"Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." (Phil. 2:5-8).

Note that the painting below went through MANY layers of total chaos before it finally emerged completed. It's the only one I have ever done like it....

"Transformation: Inside the Rainbow Chrysalis"

36 x 36 Acrylic on Stretched Canvas

Let the Migraine Healing Begin!

I have written recently about the episode of sudden hearing loss (and prednisone treatment) that has consumed much of my summer with health challenges. Today, I learned that my original hearing loss was a migraine. And that once again, I am suffering from chronic migraines. And the best part is - I can turn this around. Let the healing journey begin!

I was fortunate enough (I still don't know how it happened) to be able to meet with one of the few headache specialists in a 6-state area. Literally, I got in the next day (most people wait months). I suppose they were concerned about my symptoms!

Here's lesson number 1: Many say that they specialize in migraines, but this woman is the ONLY doctor actually educated specifically to manage them. Here is her information:

http://www.uwmedicine.org/bios/natalia-murinova

The UW Headache Clinic engages in holistic care. Having worked in care coordination for my entire career prior to the TBI 5 years ago, I must say that I was beyond impressed. At the same time, I felt sad that I didn't know about this resource. In fact, I thought that I was seeing a headache/migraine specialist for the last few years - although he knew headaches, and he did good work for me, he wasn't specialized in headache medicine.

That's the first "aha" I wanted to write about - not all neurologists are created equal. In neurology, they have their specialties. I have one Neuro-endocrinologist, a Neurotologist, a Neurologist that is nationally recognized for Dysautonomia (the only one on the West Coast) and now a Neurologist specializing in Migraines. All of these docs know each other and work together - and it's essential that they each weigh in because all of the conditions are inter-related!

So here's Lesson #2: It turns out that the brain suffers a massive "loss of energy" after a concussion. People start to experience chronic headaches along with the symptoms of dysautonomia. I will write more about what I learn on this journey after I read the book that was suggested. Needless to say, it's complicated and I am getting a crash course in some complex neurology.

In the mean time, I will share this - migraines and dysautonomia can be turned around. The problem is that so few doctors know what to do about it! I feel compelled to write about my experience on this road so that others can learn....because not everyone has access to this information. Note that this is only my experience - it's not medical advice...so take what you like and leave the rest!

OK, here's the last Lesson from today...

Lesson #3: Feverfew! OMG this is so simple! I woke up with a migraine. Even with vicoden and valium, it didn't totally relieve the symptoms. The headache doc said I needed to start taking Feverfew and Magnesium three times a day. Within a couple of hours of taking the first dose today, the migraine was GONE. I don't mean slightly gone, I mean clarity like what I would get after taking an immitrex (which is not an option for me right now due to co-occurring heart rate issues from dysautonomia). You can purchase Feverfew on Amazon or at the local nutrition store. Amazing. Easy. Worth it.

I will write more as I discover more. But today begins a journey that feels almost like a new birth. I am swollen from the prednisone and weaning off of it. The side effects are terrible as I attempt to peel away the steroid from a system that already struggles to find balance (that's dysautonomia). But, I always come back stronger. I already do acupuncture, cranial sacral, horse therapy, art therapy, and meditation (all while studying theology) to manage all of this. Now, though, I have a new perspective...and I am thrilled to integrate it into my picture of wellness. Ultimately, everything I do is in service of God, helping those living outside, and finding my theological voice in the wake of the injury that changed my life.

Stay tuned for more information about the healing journey, along with art, theology, and all of the other things that I enjoy writing about!

Blessings

Today's journey

Today's journey....quite simple really....quit coffee and drop the prednisone by another 5mg.  Note that every 5mg drop is the equivalent of an entire human replacement dose of steroid for people without functioning adrenals. 

The good news is that my BP is coming down.  My heart rate is a runaway train tho...and we are watching it. And I'm still swollen like the blueberry girl on Willy Wonka....that'll go down soon.  But this is the mess of transformation.  Through this experience, i have learned to be REAL in ways i never thought possible.  And I've learned to rely on the movement of God to power my ministry, instead of the driving will that taps into my life force- that was my old way as a CEO.  And I've learned that even in the midst of their own suffering, my homeless friends want to make sure that I'm ok....think about that for a moment.....such GRACE.  i may not always like the way i learn...but I'm willing....because this is the Call.

THIS - It's KENOSIS - SUFFERING THE DIVINE - Pouring forth one's own will to experience the will of God.

"There is a teaching that says that behind all hardening and tightening and rigidity of the heart, there’s always fear. But if you touch fear, behind fear there is a soft spot. And if you touch that soft spot, you find the vast blue sky. You find that which is ineffable, ungraspable, and unbiased, that which can support and awaken us at any time." - Pema Chadron

Art - Rising Courage 2

Heather Thompson, Blue Phoenix Art