Experiencing Delight TODAY

"You must cultivate activities you love. You must discover work that you do not for its utility, but for itself...How many activities can you count in your life that you engage in simply because they delight you and grip your soul? Find them, cultivate them, for they are your passport to freedom and love." Anthony De Mello

Today I am aware that I live a life that brings me JOY.  That's why the health stuff is tolerable. Every ounce of this life brings me delight.  My old life was filled with suffering, because I couldn't say my life was my own. I was a slave to other people's opinions of me.  Today, as I get pumped up on iv fluids, I'm courageously choosing to embrace my life NOW....exactly as I am....

There's an isolation that comes slowly when you don't recognize your own body.  It becomes challenging to go out.  The internal dialogue can get difficult...."How do i wear a bathing suit? I don't have any clothes that fit me!" And then it gets deeper....."I can't date anyone looking like this." And the hardest. ..."I know i look different. ...I don't know if I can handle their reaction to me." As a result, life becomes smaller. Less time with friends, less time in the water....just less.....and this is not conducive to healing.

It's a conscious choice to say "Fuck it." I learned through art to gently "shhhhhh" my inner critic and allow my subconscious to speak.  The same skill applies here. 

I don't recognize myself, you may or may not recognize me, but I'm going to say yes to the things I WANT to do, and that I feel good enough to do.  And that's how I'm going to continue to heal. Slowly....steadily....embracing all of myself exactly as I am and daring to be REAL as I do it.

The Lure of Not Speaking

In her own words...the lure of not speaking - or "mutism" in the wake of trauma. Many people know that Maya Angelou did not speak after she was raped...She held the belief that her voice killed a man, when her rapist was killed after the trial in which she named him. But most people don't know about what happened in those 5 years of silence between ages 7 - 13.

"All those years ago I’d been a mute, and my mother and my brother knew that in times of strife and extreme stress, I was likely to retreat to mutism. Mutism is so addictive. And I don’t think its powers ever go away. It’s as if it’s just behind my view, just behind my right shoulder or my left shoulder. If I move quickly, it moves, so I can’t see it. But it’s always there saying, “You can always come back to me. You have nothing to do—just stop talking.” So, when I’ve been in stress, my mother or my brother, or both sometimes, would come wherever I was, New York, California, anywhere, and say, “Hello, hello, talk to me. Come on, let’s go. We’ll have a game of Scrabble or pinochle and let’s talk. Tell me a story.” Because they were astute enough to recognize the power of mutism, I finally was astute enough to recognize the power of their love.

"While mute, I memorized poetry. I would test myself, memorizing a conversation that went by when I wasn’t in it. I memorized 60 Shakespearean sonnets. And some of the things I memorized, I’d never heard them spoken, so I memorized them according to the cadence that I heard in my head. I loved Edgar Allan Poe and I memorized everything I could find. And I loved Paul Laurence Dunbar—still do—so I would memorize 75 poems. It was like putting a CD on. If I wanted to, I’d just run through my memory and think, that’s one I want to hear.

"So I believe that my brain reconstructed itself during those years. I believe that the areas in the brain which provide and promote physical speech had nothing to do. I believe that the synapses of the brain, instead of just going from A to B, since B wasn’t receptive, the synapses went from Ato R. You see what I mean? And so, I’ve been able to develop a memory quite unusual, which has allowed me to learn languages, really quite a few. I seem to be able to direct the brain; I can say, do that. I say, remember this, remember that. And it’s caught!"

Church at the Gas Station

There are moments in life when the Call is so clear....For me, it's never been in the outbound intentional discipleship that most people talk about; rather, it's the tiny the nudges that I follow and the conversations that simply unfold when I listen.

Today it was answering a request for gas from a man who lives outside. I met him at the gas station even though I was coming home from the hospital myself. Yes I'm okay, I was just being infused with IV hydration as I do normally twice a week. I was tired, but I felt the nudge.

We filled up our tanks of gas... At some point I casually mentioned that I'm in Ministry. I've known this man for a year and he didn't know that I was a minister until today...and today was clearly the day he needed to talk about God. Tears filled his eyes as we discussed suffering and God and Grace. And I realized why I am enduring all that I am, because it allows me to have these conversations with others.

But what I found the most fascinating was that this is a man who will never enter a church because of his strict religious upbringing. As we talked, I could hear the ideas of great theologians in his words, including John the Scot and St. Augustine, even though he'd never read any of those works.

It brings me back to this idea of innate knowing. We all have a sense of the Creator.

He asked me what he could do for me.... and I told him that he has no idea how much these conversations lift me up and inform my life. And so I thanked him.

Today Church was at the gas station.
This is what my path looks like....
Ordained or not, I am a minister.

New art and poetry! The Feminine Divine

The Feminine Divine
By Heather Thompson Blue Phoenix Art

She is the Feminine Divine.
She is not on display
for the world to
View
Appreciate
Judge.
Her treasures not easily spotted
Like diamond adorned necklaces,
Pageant tiaras,
Or platinum toe rings.

She is WILDERNESS.
Gnarled and spectacular
Fractal life
Dripping with untamed wisdom.

You cannot search for her.
No.
Discovery requires dropping
Into the depths of the unknown...
A Place where your senses become useless
Difficult to see.
Difficult to breathe.
Difficult to withstand...
The building pressure with every fathom fallen. 
When you sink into her abyss,
You find brilliant Darkness.
The primordial vessel. 
Birthplace of creation.
Womb from which all kenotic
Mystery poured forth.

She cannot be comprehended.
There is no differentiation.
Only connection.
And in the deepest pairing,
A flash of the
Shadow of the
Frontier of Mystery
May be observed......
Only to be lost again.

But therein lies the gift. 
From her deepest wounds
You will find grace.
From her darkness
You will find light.
From her scars
You will emerge.

Resist the temptation
to make her small....
Contained
Palatable
Comprehensible
Acceptable to others.
She is none of those things.
Walk into the desire to understand her.
Allow her to be exactly what she is...
And perhaps...
You will find peace with who YOU are.

I'm Finding Homeostasis

Major Accomplishment! I didn't need Iv fluids today. I'm finding homeostasis. The water is slowly draining out of my tissues, but it's staying in my blood stream and BP is steady. So it was time to drop steroids again (always uncomfortable but worth it).

I'm sooooooo grateful for this journey, albeit painful at times.....I'm even grateful for the sudden hearing loss and the summer of Prednisone, because without it I never would have discovered what was underlying all my health problems all these years....a lifelong pituitary struggle going back to my first TBI at age 5.

I prayed for health. I'm getting it. But healing is never easy. There's a dying of the old to make room for the new. Transformation is badass.

And my big Harvey warhorse is ready....Trainer says all the new old man meds are working, his new shoes are on point, and he's the best he's been in a long time. No retirement for my big boy! 

It's almost time for me to ride again!

New Art! And Surrendering to KENOSIS

I've talked about feeling that my journey is LEARNING to surrender to the ocean of GOD/Mystery and let it MOVE me. This morning's reflection from CAC gives me language.....KENOSIS. I've thought of the self emptying of KENOSIS as a "pouring out," but not a "resting in" the ocean of the Trinity. Ha! 

Here's the reflection from Cynthia Bourgeault 

"...we penetrate right to the heart of the kenotic mystery, tingling in every cell of our body. Self-emptying is not about giving up things we want or rolling over and playing dead. It is about connecting with an energy of sustenance so powerful and vibrant as it flows through our being from the infinite that all else pales in comparison. It not only flows through our being; it is our being.

The core secret we are coming to understand is that the act of letting go, spiritually understood as a cosmic energy exchange, is the power by which Jesus could live and remain true to his path. It is the power through which he healed, the power through which he forgave, and the power through which he meets us now. It is not only his power, uniquely bestowed on him, as part of his prerogative as the only Son of God. That same power is hardwired into our own hearts and souls, and in that moment of complete surrender an explosion of presence goes off within us that is simultaneously an encounter with the wisdom master himself. 

Life provides plenty of opportunities for this practice; in fact, sometimes it seems as if life is comprised of a “twenty-four/seven” surrender immersion! The problem is, most of the time we’re not aware of it and “fall asleep,” as it’s called in wisdom work: when we brace and tighten and get thrown back into that smaller self. We go unconscious automatically.

But if you stay alert and grounded in sensation and are willing to wake up as soon as you realized you’ve started bracing or clinging, then you can use all the adventures and misadventures life throws at you to strengthen and deepen your heart connection—and your Christ connection."

"Excavating Rainbows"
Original art by Heather Thompson Blue Phoenix Art

Dare to be REAL

I'm participating in a vulnerability challenge that I actually feel very excited about. Those who know me know that I believe very strongly in the courage that it takes to be REAL - not in an endeavor to obtain approval from others, but in an effort to grow in my own embodiment.
So today I feel incredibly swollen (I successfully drank 100 ounces of water yesterday and I'm headed in for more via IV). THAT'S A HUGE SUCCESS. But as I was getting dressed, I started to feel myself judging my body. Then I paused.....

Walk Gently. My body is undergoing transformation and healing. She is awakening from a slumber caused by hypopituitarism, adrenal insufficiency, hyperthyroidism, dysautonomia, and all sorts of other endocrine problems as a result of a traumatic brain injury 6 years ago.

So I changed my thinking. What can I do to show this God given vessel that I love her. And the answer is simple....it's how I speak to others....it's how I talk with my daughter.... Expand, contract, flow, swell...I will love you regardless! And most importantly I will fully support you as you learn to trust me again (in the wake of anorexia) and as you come to find balance in all systems.  Unconditional love.

As for images, it would be easy to take a photograph from an upper camera angle that looks more flattering.  Camera angles are quite fascinating in today's day and age. I've taken two images for the purposes of this post - one above, one below. But neither reflect ME. The truth is that 2-dimensions cannot possibly capture the ineffable beauty that is the human form.