Sudden Deafness and Gravitas

I have realized that the start of each new quarter often comes with a health issue of some sort. I mean seriously...sudden deafness???  I can't help but think of the concept of "gravitas" that was discussed by St. Augustine. When getting closer and closer to the calling that is before me, I feel gravitas pulling me away from the path.  For a very long time, I didn't listen to my body.  This required that i learn to say NO, to be honest about my limitations, and to set limits for myself.  But now, I am in a new phase. Instead of succumbing to the health issue, or blindly pushing ahead and ignoring my body, I am learning pacing while lovingly continuing to walk the path. God's got this.  I don't have to be perfect. In fact, I am better minister BECAUSE of these challenges...because I EMBRACE the Paschal Mystery in daily life. It's a both/and existence for me. So...I am learning to have these health issues arise AND continue to bravely lead the life I am called to embrace. I think this is what it means to be in harmony....ineffable harmony as John the Scot said.

The MYSTERY of Andromeda

Each time I view the deep-field picture of Andromeda, I FEEL a sense of awe and wonder; yet those words are insufficient to describe such a deep awareness of the magnitude of the Universe.  It is an embodied experience as my left-hemisphere awareness struggles to grasp that which is beyond comprehension. That said, there is something about the EXPERIENCE of noticing our relative place in the universe that begins to touch upon God and Mystery. The only word that begins to capture the experience of viewing Andromeda is INEFFABLE - too great or extreme to be expressed or described in words.  Take a moment to EXPERIENCE this image below: 

Notice that my words – FEEL and EXPERIENCE - suggest that we grasp the ineffable in our bodies. This isn’t too far-fetched considering that human bodies are literally made of stardust. We possess a connection to all that is just as much as we maintain our individuality as human beings on this Pale Blue Dot.  As John the Scot discussed in the 9th Century, it is through God/Mystery/that which is beyond human comprehension that we are able to reconcile the irreconcilable…this is “ineffable harmony.”

Our bodies are deeply aware of that which resides in our subconscious mind.  The problem is that it is often dismissed as trite, irrelevant, or a problem to be fixed.  We look at our bodies through a compartmentalized lens, rather than viewing bodies as a connected whole – each part connected to one another and each body connected to all that is in the Universe and beyond.  We therefore miss the innate knowing that is held within every cell and made manifest through subconscious awareness; but because the thinking mind can’t understand or comprehend the ineffable, it is deemed incorrect, wrong, problematic, or even non-existent. 

Interestingly, it is through the symbolic (often visual imagery, music, and other forms of art) that we access innate wisdom. The symbolic evokes FEELINGS, which then allow us to begin to grasp that which is beyond our reach.  

Viewing an image like Andromeda provides a tangible image of the ineffable. Like standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon or viewing the Mona Lisa in person, symbolic imagery helps us access our embodied subconscious awareness. As I see it, this is among the great challenges of the present moment.  How do we embolden human beings to both notice and give value to the internal experience as a means of growing in awareness of the Divine?

Images like Andromeda have the potential to create a pessimistic view as we come to realize just how small we really are in relationship to the cosmos.  Yet, our innate curiosity keeps us exploring the Earth, while looking to the Universe for new discoveries.  Science provides many answers to our questions, but it is in the questioning that we find God (Tillich).  Questions therefore become individual acts of self-transcendence that put our focus on the future, where the constant unfolding of Mystery is before us.  

Art and the Sacred

The revelatory power of art is immediate and iconoclastic. As soon as a work of art is created the artist herself becomes a prophet because she reveals a new conception of the world. But is art a form of religion/spirituality? or does art belong to a different realm of the human experience?

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/art-and-spirituality_b_10000554.html?

Body LOVE

What would happen if ONE DAY we women awoke to actually LOVE our bodies? Every wrinkle. Every curve. Every flaw. All of it! 

What if we celebrated every aspect of our bodies for for they are...miracles of being alive!  I can say with certainty that the world as we know it would change forever. 

I took the photo below after unloading two giant hay bales that the guys at the Grange struggled to lift (I'm STRONG) and recognizing that I'm the same weight i was when my exhusband said he didn't like my body for the last time ... Time to let that shit go.

It's badass courage to choose to LOVE my body.  THIS BODY. I'm getting there.  But as I've learned in seminary...this BODY is a part of what it means to be HUMAN. Iranaeus reminds us that this flesh is GOOD.  Every single cell.  And the day will come that i look back on this body with such gratitude. Why shouldn't i feel that LOVE now?

Dare to Awaken

I see no need to engage in power struggles or to dismantle patriarchy.  Structures are what they are. To fight them is to empower them. For me, authentic power arises when a woman simply and quietly awakens, with the badass courage to live into her femininity in all circumstances.  No permission needed.  No need to struggle over power because my power - the divine light that comes from Mystery itself- is already mine, always present and cannot be taken.

What Do I Look LIke?

Today I have been thinking about whether or not I can really know what I look like. And moreover, do I always look the same? I was told by someone that I had just met that I didn't look like my photograph. It cut deep for a variety of reasons, mainly related to my history with an eating disorder. That said, I decided to walk into it with curiosity.

It is really an interesting question considering that every image we have of ourselves is essentially two dimensional - mirrors, photographs, videos... And in the REAL world, people know us in 3-D. Add to it the fact that my exterior image will adjust according to life's circumstances and the state of my spirit, as my insides and outsides are in sync with one another. Living a transparent life means that my body reflects my soul. And finally, add the component that I have synesthesia - I perceive the body and emotions with color. It's complicated for certain.

With that in mind, I searched through some pictures - all me. All look different. And it made me wonder, do I really know what i look like? Visually, that's a tough one. I know what I look like in my paintings, perceived through the lens of color. And as far as my body, I am learning to see my physical being as the changing and evolving miracle that I am.

But I know this for sure...I see something amazing reflected in the eyes of those that LOVE me for who I am - especially my daughter - and that's beauty.

Looking through Feminine Eyes

A few days ago, I awoke with new eyes. It was literally as if a lens had been removed. My dear friend Jaqueline had just passed away.  She had a prophetic voice rooted in black feminist thought, one in which the courageous words lovingly fell from her lips as she bravely questioned established norms and spoke her truth.  I admired her deeply.  As I struggled to accept the reality that she is gone, I felt a renewed courage inside of me.

I have many questions, yet I often feel incapable of expressing them openly. At times it is because the words fail to emerge, yet most often it is a deep seated fear of ridicule or punishment.  Trauma does this. It strips us of our words. Maya Angelou stopped speaking for 5 years after she was raped.  I too am a rape survivor. Finding the ability to speak again in the wake of suffering is among the most noble of acts. This is courage.   

Yesterday I read one of Jaqueline’s most recent blog posts.  Toward the end, she said, “Why are so many Christian women afraid to question the words of a man?”  This statement struck me deeply, especially since theologians like Paul Tillich (a favorite) emphasize that the act of questioning affirms God.

Bravely, standing with the women that have come before me and those yet to come, I am beginning to use my voice.  I am beginning to find my words. I am beginning to question. It seemed appropriate, then to ask one of the core questions that I have wondered for much of my life…

What is masculinity? What is femininity? Who defines these things?

I drive a big truck. For years my husband (now ex-husband) told me that a truck was too masculine for me. Instead, I drove a tiny roadster that would be considered more “sexy” and “feminine.” Why?

Why do people think I am masculine when I use a chainsaw to take care of my property? Why is it masculine when I work on construction projects around my home?

Why is a ripped, small, narrow hipped female is considered "better" than a voluptuous curvy feminine body by today’s standards?

Why is a "pussy" associated with weakness and "balls" with strength?

And that's when it hit me...It's a masculine lens that we all look through. I have been conditioned to look through this lens since I was first born into the world, and it was then reinforced throughout my life. The masculine lens is so ingrained that we don’t even notice it covering our eyes and filtering everything we see. 

Thus, I found myself sitting with a deeper question…

What would happen if I looked at femininity through feminine eyes?

I still don’t know the answer to this one, as I am actively contemplating the journey into a set of eyes that may not fully exist yet.  The Masculine lens is a powerful one. It conditions every aspect of how a woman perceives herself in the world. We use words like "privilege" to attempt to describe this dominant perspective, but that is still a concept dominated by masculinity.  We tell men to “check their privilege,” as if our ability to be seen depends on their ability to see themselves.  Feminists seek to dismantle the patriarchy and emasculate men.  I am a Feminist, and I see an alternative way.

The emergence of the feminine is a distinct phenomenon. It happens when women claim our power.  It is a power that cannot be taken away; rather, it is awakened from within. My femininity does not depend on men to change their way of being; rather, it is up to me as a woman to cultivate myself without the need for permission.   

I alone define what it means to be a woman. I only define that for me. Each woman defines it for herself. 

So I will end with a question…

What does being a woman mean to you?