I'm beginning the long slow walk back from a crash that began in August. My rehabilitation this time is going to be so incredibly slow that the only other time I've done this was when I was in the immediate aftermath of the traumatic brain injury six and a half years ago.
The good news is I know how to walk this out, the bad news is that I have to find the new normal and discover my new threshold for crashing.
I will be honest and say that I am having a rough day today because I did 8 minutes of walking on the treadmill yesterday. So clearly 8 minutes is too much! I shall go down to 5 minutes. And it's interesting because five minutes is the starting pace that we use when we're bringing back horses in rehabilitation. I've done it many times with my Harvey (my warhorse) and now he's stronger than ever! So I will take a lesson from him and do it right this time. All exercise five minutes at a time until that no longer crashes me, and then I can begin to increase it only slightly.
To have that kind of discipline... its a Warrior's Journey for sure! To have that kind of patience is something that I continue to cultivate.
The struggle is made worse by the fact that I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I am a hundred pounds heavier than I was before prednisone and hydrocortisone entered my life a little over a year ago. I'm also a person that spent 15 years of my life struggling with anorexia, orthorexia and exercise bulimia. My current situation is extremely humbling... and yet I know that I can't simply restrict calories and engage in exercise bulimic behaviors in order to drop weight because it will completely mess with my metabolic system.
I will do this the right way.... Slow and steady, in harmony with my body, with a focus on genuine and authentic healing.