I seem to be on an embodied journey through my theological course work this quarter...but what else is new lol. As i read for class last night, i found myself deeply affected by the material. Transformation is Badass...and it takes radical faith to drop into Mystery and allow it to change you on a core level. This is what my seminary journey FEELS like. It's not all academics and theological musing....its time in the desert...time spent shedding old ways of being...time spent figuring out who i AM....time spent learning to let go....which means practicing letting go...and that can be extremely challenging. However, the gift is clear: I'm anchoring on God. My roots run deep into Mystery. And I've come to realize that what is often perceived as suffering is simply a breaking down of old ways and a deepening of faith...its an emptying of my egoic self so that i can more deeply FEEL the nudges of the Holy Spirit.
So as i go in for IV fluids today to help my blood pressure while tapering off the prednisone (BLEH), and as i go up on the methotrexate auto immune drug to prevent hearing loss (GRRRR)...and as i struggle with a puffy face and tummy that makes me feel self conscious and vulnerable (it reminds me of the face i had when my husband left me at my worst..ARGH)...i remember why I'm walking this road. And it's hand in hand with God. I can forgive those that walked away when i hit bottom, because now i notice the beauty of those that walk in...and those are the people who taught me what ministry really is.
Thus...It's through this recent struggle that I'm finally becoming willing to admit that I'm a Minister. I'm not "becoming" a Minister. I am one. I'm not a Minister in a box. I don't need a title or a degree. I don't seek opportunities for ministry. I simply keep emptying myself so that i notice the Call. Then, when i feel the nudge, i walk in.
This has been a long time coming. Yep...transformation is Badass.