Who Will I Be Tomorrow?

Ive been through so much medically,  spiritually, physically. There are moments that I recognize my face again, but that's only on the outside. Mu eyes remain the same.   As I reflect, I've transformed more through this last two years of painful healing work than ever in my life. I never thought I'd go through something more challenging than the TBI and divorce in 2011.   Yet here I am...walking out of another formative maelstrom. Im not looking backwards; no, I'm embracing what is to come, even as the ultimate outcome is unknown.

Thus,  I hold onto the prayer....

I come trembling to the feet of Jesus and ask, who will I be tomorrow? 
Amen

My Heart Breaks

Living in one's truth...
Dying because of it.
My heart breaks.
Lord, hear my prayer.
It's beyond words
Where I'm speechless
And there's only a deep
yearning, hope, longing
That we learn to LOVE
One another
Because I feel broken
Every time we KILL
One another.
Amen.

I DID IT!

I did it.  I rode my horse Harvey after 2 years. He's a 17h warmblood. A former grand prix jumper.  My warhorse.  It's humbling, as I've ridden horses for 30 years.... but you start where you are.... and after 2 years of painful treatments, I'm ready for rehab.  Harvey is my warhorse,  my heart, the blood in my veins.  After everything I've been through, I'm grateful to even be capable of riding again.  Thanks be to God.

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Almost Back in the Saddle

I did it!  3 visits means that tomorrow,  for the first time in two years, I'm gonna get back on my big warhorse. 

It's something that ive been fighting for... my Harvey literally has my heart beating in his chest.  I need him.  But he's not like other horses.  You don't just get back on a horse like Harvey.  Ive been close many times, only to crash.  And today, I almost lost my chance.  A mandatory orientation at my daughter's school did me in. Im sure none of the people there noticed that I was having a tough time,  but my adrenal system struggled to made it through.  Thanks to stress doses I did it!  Then i came home and slept to recover.  This is life with an #invisibledisability.  Kiddo always comes first, even if it means waiting on Harvey.

But......As I sat here pulling myself back together (this is why I don't attend group activities... I'm not antisocial...I just can't do it!), I thought for a moment that I wasn't going to be able to ride tomorrow.  It's all I wanted for my birthday.   I prayed for God's will.... and slowly i could feel my body begin to rejuvenate.  Yes, i can ride tomorrow! 

We need something to keep us reaching. Harvey is my constant reminder that God is Grace.  And tomorrow I get to feel his great power beneath me.   Thanks be to God.

I am Concerned

I am neither Democrat nor Republican. Having taken Masters level courses in criminology and social justice in my youth, and having become a contemplative monastic in the second half of life, It's no secret that I walk with those on the margins.   This is the core of my secular Franciscan theology.

But I don't live in a vacuum.  My study of constitutional law and political science in college cultivated a love of our Republic, especially the constitution and the supreme court.  I remember standing on the steps of the Supreme Court with pure admiration.  Why?  Their only job is to interpret the Constitution.  Wow! They are the protectors of our freedom.

Why am I writing all this?

Im concerned.  The political discourse is raging, taking on constitutional issues like the 2nd Amendment, the electoral college, abortion, and more.  As our constitution takes center stage in this election, people on both sides of the aisle are debating issues using a present day lens and/or considering intent of the Framers.  

Im looking at it differently.  Im curious about the precedent we are setting for the next 400 years....1000 years.... if we are lucky enough to still have a nation.  Our fellow nations around the world have histories that go back thousands of years.  Can you imagine how that perspective impacts governance?

As a contemplative I'm sitting with the question: How will the decisions we make today impact the future of our nation, a future that we cannot imagine?  It's a big question, and sitting with it makes it impossible to easily take sides on current issues. 

Thus sitting with these questions helps me better grasp the various perspectives with curiosity as I discern my own opinions. 

Those who have discerned that they are called to fighting for what they believe, this is not a statement to stop.

This is my statement of concern and questioning. A statement I felt called to share (which I rarely do).  Perhaps it might ring true to another who feels similarly,  and it opens space to take an alternative position. 

Art by Heather Thompson
Blue Phoenix Art
www.bluephoenixart.com

The Long Healing Road Before Me

I'm becoming aware of the road that lies before me.  It's not about getting back to where I was. No,  this has been more akin to the head injury I sustained in 2011.  I have transformed again, and I have come to accept this new normal. This body is beautifully imperfect.  This soul carries a connection to God that I never could have imagined,  and im at peace in my contemplative monastic life. 

And yet the time has come to begin walking my body through the phases of healing. It feels daunting.  Im choosing to focus on the present moment.  I am at peace in this moment.  God, how can I serve your will in this moment?

I would welcome prayers for healing and for Gods will in my life.

Healing GOOD NEWS

Prayers are answered. Yesterday I learned from the neuromuscular experts at UW that I no longer need to be concerned about neuromuscular disease.  What a relief!  This includes LEMS, and it means that I can come off the firdapse immediately.  That's one less medicine (HOORAY) and one less avenue of diagnosis.  Whether it was an entire year of high dose IVIG that did it,  who knows?!  I'm grateful. Thank you God.

The Doctor identified something wonky with my eyes yesterday,  so I have to follow up on that.... but that's small compared to the other issues that have been on the table.

Although I still have other health stuff to deal with, including a still undiagnosed inflammatory something, I'm beginning to see things heading in a new direction of healing.  Im having much less breakthrough pain and im able to move around more without crashing.  That said,  my pace is slow.  I get very tired very easily.   The nausea and body pain are my reminders when ive done a little too much.   If I really over do it, then it's usually an attack of some kind... so I will keep everything "country slow" as I make the adjustments that my doctors ask of me.  My stress level will remain as low as possible, therefore no school for now. Painting, mothering, spending time with my animals, REHAB with Harvey... this is my life as I heal.  Slow and very steady. 

As I surrender to God. Not my will but thine.
Amen