Maintaining Gratitude in the Most Challenging Moments

"I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet."

- Helen Keller

This quote was literally pounding in between my ears this morning as I waddled about my home attempting to care for my child that is home sick from school. I was feeling sorry for myself...the constant barrage of negative self talk over the last couple of weeks had accumulated to such a degree that I was having a hard time releasing it with my usual laugh and attitude of gratitude.


I have had an unusually rough go over the last few months. It started with acute flank pain in August. Well no, that's not true. It started with Sudden Hearing Loss in the Summer of 2016. I spent the summer on prednisone, gained 40 pounds, and thought to myself - "This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me." Now, I knew that this wasn't true, but I am a woman that was orthorexic, anorexic and exercise bulimic. I spent my entire 20's at 115 pounds with minimal bodyfat. So when I stepped on the scale and it read 200 pounds, I was horrified. Yet somewhere in my mind, I thought to myself - "Heather, there are some people out there that would look at that number with joy. It's okay, it's just a number, and you have been on prednisone. Hang in there beautiful, you will find your new normal." But deep down, I couldn't wait to "get back" to a weight that I deemed acceptable.


But what was acceptable? Truthfully, I wasn't satisfied with any weight that I have ever been, no matter how fantastic my body looked in a string bikini.


Fast forward to the Winter of 2017. Sudden abdominal pain landed me in the Emergency Room. This wasn't the usual "run of the mill" abdominal pain - no, this was the kind of acute pain that left me writhing on the floor for several hours, nearly passing out every time I would attempt to stand up. After a colonoscopy, upper endoscopy and multiple endocrine tests, I had a diagnosis - adrenal insufficiency. Moreover, it appeared as if my pituitary was finally showing the effects of the traumatic brain injury from 6 years ago. Pituitary dysfunction had set in.


One by one I walked the precarious road to healing. Together with a brilliant Neuroendocrinologist, we brought multiple hormones online and gently nudged my body back to normal metabolic functioning. So when i stepped on the scale again, and it said 220 pounds, I tried my hardest not to freak out. But once again, I maintained my focus on the bigger picture and reassured myself that everything would come into balance if I bravely continued on this healing path.


Now I am going to get really honest. With an eating disorder history, I have to watch myself when it comes to weight and measurements. By the time June rolled around, I was weighing myself daily and measuring my body at least weekly. I was too big for the measuring tape, so I made my own and used a yard stick to track the circumference of my belly. I was looking for the thrill of progress! I had pulled myself out of the winter crisis, and I was doing hard manual labor in my yard. I was back to riding my big warhorse. Yet the numbers on the scale weren't budging, and I felt the sting of my own disapproval every time I passed by a mirror.


Then it hit me out of nowhere...acute flank pain - like a machete - in my left side. The pain was severe - level 10+. At first they thought I had a kidney stone. Then real concern set in, as my lactate was elevated. Maybe it was mesenteric ischemia? Some were worried I was dying. Others weren't worried at all and told me it was all in my head. All I knew is that I was in excruciating pain and there was no known cause and therefore no remedy in sight.


Since August, I have undergone more diagnostic testing than I ever thought possible. I even went to the Mayo Clinic for two weeks to attempt to get a diagnosis. While i was there, it was decided that I likely have an undiagnosed inflammatory condition that is causing me to crash over and over again. I was given a treatment that they use in MS cases - 1000 mg of Prednisone IV daily for three days. That isn't a typo - it was 200x the human replacement dose (5 mg) of Prednisone. This was on top of the already high dose of steroids I was taking to prevent adrenal crisis in the face of terrible pain.

The good news was that the pain in my body has since improved dramatically. I am finally able to discontinue the acute medications and begin the slow healing process. As much as I wanted to celebrate my progress, however, my body was swollen and unrecognizable. So...when I got home from the Mayo Clinic and stepped on the scale...I tried to find all of the compassion in my heart and lovingly tell myself that it's okay...that there are more important things than the size of my body and the curves of my distended stomach. I had reached 260 pounds.


As I stood there reflecting on a more than 100 pound weight gain, it hit me - Who am I trying to please? What am I so afraid of? I had reached a turning point. I became an observer of my own thinking. I noticed that I am afraid of being judged, afraid of being unacceptable, and most importantly, afraid of being abandoned. Every time I walk past the mirror, it was that cluster of fears looking back at me.


So this morning, when I looked in the mirror and saw how much my neck had swelled up and felt the distension of my belly, I observed the familiar negative thinking rise up from deep inside. It was then that I heard Helen Keller's voice reminding me that it could be so much worse. Immediately, I could see myself shifting toward a new focus, one rooted in gratitude for my beautiful life. There is much more to celebrate in this life of mine, even amidst the hardship.


Living with multiple chronic illnesses means that there will be an ebb and flow to my health for the rest of my life. In the wake of the "mild" traumatic brain injury that changed everything for me 6 years ago, I was told to fall in love with my "new brain" and release the notion that I would somehow "get back" to what I had been before the accident. I think I am in a similar transition point now, where I am being called to fall in love with a new normal, one rooted in a deep awareness that every moment is a gift. No matter what imperfections manifest in my body, whether its weight gain or fatigue or exacerbation of chronic illness, I can respond with a simple "thank you" for the abundant gifts that I still have even in the midst of the challenges.

Practicing the Pause

In the face of tragedy it's easy to try to find solutions as a means of easing the horror and pain.  Like the scapegoats of Hebrew Scriptures, the temptation of making someone or something "bad" is especially present when faced with fear and grief.  Whether it's a person, religion, object ... the moment we establish something as "other" we lose the awareness of all that is connected.  Athiests, Christians and Muslims. Guns, knives and semi trucks. Man, Woman, School-aged kids. All have done evil. All have done good. Practicing the pause and allowing contemplation to reveal the complexity of reality is the hard way...but it's the path to authentic awareness in my opinion.

How I'm Learning to Love My Body After My Disability Caused Weight Gain

This post was published in The Mighty!
https://themighty.com/2017/11/self-esteem-after-disability-weight-gain/

Body image is a funny thing. I really believe that so much of my journey has been a process of emptying. Since the traumatic brain injury (TBI) that changed my life a little over six years ago, I have been diagnosed with multiple chronic illnesses. Ever so slowly, I have walked the path of healing while enduring significant progress along with crushing setbacks. For the most part, my illnesses have been invisible, until now. I can’t hide the disability. Why? Because I have gained weight since this photo was taken.


When I first saw this photo, I couldn’t stand to look at the picture. I filtered it on Facebook to make my stomach look smaller. Silly me! I looked great in this picture! More importantly, I was sitting atop my beautiful warhorse Harvey – a dream come true in every way.
This was a moment in time, captured on film. It was after the TBI, but before being diagnosed with dysautonomia, Pituitary dysfunction and adrenal insufficiency. It took nearly six years for the failure of my pituitary to show up in testing, and I am so grateful for an amazing neuroendocrinologist that carefully monitored me the entire time.


At the time of this photo, I was in therapy adjusting to my new life, which included a divorce along with learning to fall in love with my new post TBI brain. We talked about the eating disorders that had held me hostage since I was 19 (anorexia, orthorexia and exercise bulimia), and my therapist said that I had recovered. Still, I struggled. I skipped meals due to the medication that I took for chronic migraines and I never consumed enough water to remain hydrated. Moreover, I slowly came to realize that my eyes didn’t see the reality of me in the two dimensional reflections of photographs and mirrors. In the absence of my own self-image, I attempted to see myself through the eyes of others, and therefore became dependent upon external approval for my own self-esteem.



It is through radical body transformation over the last few years that I have finally stripped myself of the need to seek validation from others – especially men. Imagine trying to emerge as a feminist theologian when I was desperately in need of male attention. Letting go of this deep need has been painful to say the least, but it has also been incredibly freeing. More importantly, I feel as if my life continues to come into alignment with my purpose as I let go of old patterns.


This picture is now filled with gratitude and insight. In this moment, there was so much to be grateful for…yet I was blinded by my preoccupation with things that didn’t really matter. My body is now completely different. I still don’t recognize myself in the mirror, yet I am making peace with the flesh that is me. I have deepened over the last few years, and I wouldn’t change any aspect of the journey that has led me to this moment. It has been one filled with suffering, yet I have been held in grace the entire time.


I am climbing out of a particularly brutal crash. As I look in the mirror now, I try to remind myself that my body will find balance again. In the mean time, I am finally learning to love every cell, every organ, every inch of my entire being along the way.

Healing 5 Minutes at a Time

I'm beginning the long slow walk back from a crash that began in August. My rehabilitation this time is going to be so incredibly slow that the only other time I've done this was when I was in the immediate aftermath of the traumatic brain injury six and a half years ago.

The good news is I know how to walk this out, the bad news is that I have to find the new normal and discover my new threshold for crashing.

I will be honest and say that I am having a rough day today because I did 8 minutes of walking on the treadmill yesterday. So clearly 8 minutes is too much! I shall go down to 5 minutes. And it's interesting because five minutes is the starting pace that we use when we're bringing back horses in rehabilitation.  I've done it many times with my Harvey (my warhorse) and now he's stronger than ever! So I will take a lesson from him and do it right this time.  All exercise five minutes at a time  until that no longer crashes me, and then I can begin to increase it only slightly.

To have that kind of discipline... its a Warrior's Journey for sure! To have that kind of patience is something that I continue to cultivate.

The struggle is made worse by the fact that I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I am a hundred pounds heavier than I was before prednisone and hydrocortisone entered my life a little over a year ago. I'm also a person that spent 15 years of my life struggling with anorexia, orthorexia and exercise bulimia. My current situation is extremely humbling... and yet I know that I can't simply restrict calories and engage in exercise bulimic behaviors in order to drop weight because it will completely mess with my metabolic system. 

I will do this the right way.... Slow and steady, in harmony with my body, with a focus on genuine and authentic healing.

Everything Transforms

Over the last several years since the head injury that changed my life, I have practiced stepping into the awareness of myself, while at the same time living an embodied existence in a physical form that struggles with health and disability.

What I've come to realize is that we are like waves in the ocean. Life moves us up and down, with some waves taller than others, some seas calmer than others, some waves steeper....some waves longer....but in the end there are always the peaks and the valleys and the climb up and the slide down.

We have a false sense as humans that we should stay at the peak of the wave. Or perhaps we want to stay in calm seas forever, but that is simply not the way of the natural world. Thus, we struggle on the climb up only to curse the slide back down and struggle in the valley below.

I've learned to change my perspective of this process. Like Yin and Yang, I view the ocean and it's wholeness. The natural world is a fractal representation of scripture, with patterns repeated throughout all of God's creation. From the cycle of trees to the way in which dead organic matter becomes the compost for new emergent growth, this is the way of life.

As a human, I aim to harmonize with the natural undulation of the incarnate Earth. Thus, I've discovered that if I can stick with any difficulty long enough, beauty always emerges.  And as I write this, I am walking in the valley... and I am at peace.  

Black and White Challenge

Coloring is ART

Adult coloring books are FABULOUS!  Here are some images of my own adult coloring adventures....exploring synesthesia in the context of form.