Sunday, May 13, 2018

Courage this Mother's Day

Today, I finally have the courage to let my hair down again....what a journey of radical self acceptance!
I am finally learning to feel beautiful amidst the strangeness of chronic health issues....loving this unfamiliar body and making it home....Courageously wearing a bathing suit! As I undergo my own transformation, I am teaching my daughter to love her body as it changes and transforms throughout her life (a lesson my mom never taught me). This is among the greatest gifts that I can give to my little girl.

And, the transformation/radical self acceptance includes a willingness to continue walking the healing path. So, I have to spend the next 24 hours without the neuromuscular medicine that gives me strength because I have a badass diagnostic test tomorrow called an EMG. This test will involve both needles and electric shocks for over an hour. They say it's going to be uncomfortable, although I am willing to endure it and frankly I've done it before.

It's the time without the medication, though, that is difficult. My eyes are blurry, I am stumbly, my voice is raspy and the pain is increasing.  Just walking down the hall feels like I am climbing Mount Everest! If only people could understand what it feels like to attempt to move this body.

As the day progresses, I can feel the judgement from other parents as I sit at the pool, being very quiet, in the shade, so that I don't exacerbate my condition. However, I have SO MUCH JOY watching my daughter swim in her glorious mermaid tail, recognizing that I haven't been able to do this for some time. I am in Portland for testing, yet we are treating this like a much needed vacation. Lemons into Lemonade!.

It's Mother's Day, and I am grateful, even with the invisible illness and the limitations that others can't possibly fathom. That's a perspective that has been earned through years of difficulty, AND it's a perspective that I wouldn't trade for the world.

Happy Mother's Day!

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