Tuesday, December 12, 2017

FLASHBACK - Moon Eyes - 2/13/12

Flashback - February 13, 2012...Less than a year after the "mild" traumatic brain injury that changed my life, and a few months before my husband and I separated. I was just beginning to ride the bus again...I still couldn't drive...And I was awakening to a new life. Enjoy!

Art: Transformation
By Heather Thompson, Blue Phoenix Art

Moon Eyes - 2/13/12
I hesitated to go to church today…I wasn’t feeling well after I REALLY stretched yesterday. My adventure to the Seattle Children’s Museum on the Metro Rt. 8 was much longer than I expected, and my 3 year old daughter was a busy body the entire time. Don’t get me wrong, she is an amazing little bus rider…but I can only ask my little one to sit still for so long!

Once we got there, I could feel the brain fog already setting in…and we hadn’t even reached the vestibular fiasco (aka Children’s Museum) that is wonderful for small kiddos but not that great for those of us recovering from brain injuries. I was foggy, tired, and hungry. I have learned that sometimes eating is helpful, and symptoms will pass if I simply put nourishment in my body. (As an aside – my new migraine medication reduces my appetite, so sometimes I literally forget to eat). After eating, I felt better and we were having fun…so I kept going…and going…and going…and before I knew it, a few hours had gone by and we needed to head home.

Onto the monorail (I had no idea how packed that thing is every day), then the train, then Rt 14 home. It was no small feat that I actually asked people to move so that I could sit facing forward. Yes, it felt VERY uncomfortable for me – a seemingly perfectly normal person – to walk up to a complete stranger who was sitting in a forward facing seat and ask them politely if I could switch. I kindly explained that I have a disability that prevents me from riding sideways or backwards. Regardless of the reactions I got (one positive, one questionable/irritated), I must say that I was very proud that I advocated for myself. As I said to my husband…for the other person, it might be an inconvenience of a few seconds to move. For me, it makes the difference of days, weeks, or more. And I’m learning how to do this! A major accomplishment indeed.

I digress…The journey was exhausting for both my daughter and I. Afterall, my little 3 year old BALL OF ENERGY fell asleep on the couch when she got home…and that never happens. I immediately knew that I pushed it too hard. But it was important for me to see how far I could go – kind of like Kramer (on Seinfeld) finding out how far the “test drive” car could go on a single tank of gas…oh that makes me giggle just thinking about it!!!

So I was exhausted this morning, and I could feel the beginnings of a migraine coming on. I wanted to sit at home and watch TV, and then I heard a quiet voice in my head (which feels like the inspiration from GOD to me) that said…”why would you feed TV to your brain in this state of exhaustion and vulnerability when you could sit in a quiet sanctuary at church and meditate…and maybe learn something new.” Well, let me tell you, that felt pretty clear. Off to church I went. It’s a quick walk…right across the street – pretty easy to get there. And they don’t mind if I show up in jeans with no makeup and messy hair. It’s my kind of church…come as you are.

There was a guest preacher today. In her sermon, she recited a poem…and it moved me on such a deeply profound level that I can’t begin to even describe how it will impact my life. But I will say this – I feel strongly that it is a new layer of transformation for me. I have included it below…this is a modern language version of the original 14th century poem (the same version she read today). It certainly makes it plain language, compelling, and easy to grasp…yet still poetic and powerful.

“Admit something.

Everyone you see, you say to them
“Love me.”

Of course you do not do this out loud:
Someone would call the cops.

Still, though, think about this,
This great pull in us to connect.

Why not become the one
Who lives with a full moon in each eye
That is always saying,

With that sweet moon

What every other eye in this world
Is dying to
― Hafiz

This resonates so deeply in me that I feel tears every time I read it…Now that I am heart centered as a result of this injury…”skinned, deconstructed, and grateful”…I must say that my desire to connect is so great. And, at the same time, there is that fear – that all of us have – of being hurt. It is the push and pull that is a part of the human experience…and I love being given the challenge to consider becoming the one with a full moon in each eye…Can I do it? I don’t know…but I have had an epiphany today as a result of this one, simple poem.

I am grateful that I went to church today. It is just what I needed. But this isn’t the kind of thing that my left brain can grasp…my right brain needs to work it through. So tomorrow I will paint and paint and paint…as much as I can. It isn’t an accident that I put another layer on my “transformation” painting Saturday morning…almost as if I invited a new level of change into my life. It also isn’t an accident that my brain fell into a full blown migraine as soon as I got home from church – I believe that there are rare occasions when a migraine is my brain’s way of transforming on a molecular level…and I choose to lean into it…to surrender to the fluidity of the liquid process of change…and just allow.

And we shall see what the next paintings reveal…because as you know now by reading my blog…the paintings are never planned…rather my hands and my art teach me.

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