Thursday, October 13, 2016

Integrating the "OLD" Me

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Today I did something new (well, new for my life post TBI). I stepped outside of my comfort zone into a leadership role in group process, which placed me back in the old shoes of my former CEO life…yet it was fundamentally different because I am different now.

Over my last few years of my theological program at Seattle University - Masters of Divinity - I have known that I would be eventually returning to a leadership role in the form of ministry. That said, I have been frightened to step out in "front" because I feel a strong sense of humility in walking "alongside" others in their journeys – especially those that are in the midst of suffering. I generally prefer to stay on the margins, alongside the unseen.

Taking that a step further, I often struggle to find the words necessary to communicate the complexity of my thinking in the moment. This has gotten easier with time, and I felt that today was an opportunity to step back into the role of facilitator, with humility and the faith that the words will come if/when needed.

In preparation, I painted, wrote poetry, meditated on the material, and spent a great deal of time contemplating the mind-scrambling musings of Kierkegaard in both Repetition and Fear and Trembling. Truthfully, however, this is what I do every time I read the original writings of great theologians. The rabbit holes that my brain went down in response to Kierkegaard often felt challenging to communicate, therefore the art work gave me an image that was both experiential (in creating it) and visual in preparation for class.

While my perfectionistic tendencies were lurking in the background, I allowed myself to just relax into the role. Truthfully, this was my biggest accomplishment today - an imperfect willingness to step into the role of imperfect facilitator…and in this sense…reintegrating a part of myself that I have not been able to access for quite some time.

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