Pain Heals

Today was painful. Some days are just that way. But if ever anyone thought seminary formation was the easy path...ha!  Nooooo....it's a badass path...warrior goddess shit....preparing ministers to walk with those that are suffering...to gently hold the souls of those we serve in prayer....And today was a day of deep physical pain....yet this poem states it well...with pain comes healing. Amen.

"And a woman spoke, saying, Tell us of Pain.
And he said:
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen,
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears."

~ Kahlil Gibran

What it's Like to go from Feeling Good to CRASH

God cannot fill what is full. He can fill only emptiness – deep poverty – and your “yes” [to Jesus] is the beginning of being or becoming empty. It is not how much we really “have” to give – but how empty we are – so that we can receive fully in our life and let him live his life in us. In you today – he wants to relive his complete submission to his father – allow him to do so. Take away your eyes from yourself and rejoice that you have nothing.

Source: Come Be My Light, Mother Teresa

I wish I could explain what it's like to go from feeling good one day to crashing the next. I never could have understood it before it happened to me, and it's so humbling. 

All that I can say is that I have learned how to walk this very uncomfortable path. I've learned that there are days when plans have to be cancelled, and people may or may not understand. I've learned that some will believe me, some will think it's not real because it's invisible, some will try to empathize, some will give advice trying to help ("Have you tried <insert latest trend>")....and yet none of that will change the reality of the moment when my body goes haywire. 

I'm grateful to have what I need to manage at home, because the ER is among the worst places to go when you have a rare disease. It's especially bad when you're in the middle of a complex diagnosis like me. Their care protocols don't always work for Zebras. 

But even with the tools to manage at home, I still face the reality of feeling truly terrible... and the quiet knowing that I simply need to walk through it. Fractured ribs don't level me...but these crashes...holy cow.  This is the stuff of warriors.

The Dance of THREE - Having Needs is Okay

Today is the day I realized I have needs, and that is OK. It's one thing to know that intellectually, and another entirely to FEEL it at the depths of my being.

I felt anxious. I barely slept last night. So today, I ventured into my art studio and allowed all of my feelings to emerge on the canvas - I scratched, punched, scraped, traced, caressed, clawed and even wiped the canvas until it was nothing but a cacophony of glitter, glaze and acrylic color (See Images Below)



Where I started this week...
This Canvas already had several layers...


Then I painted this layer yesterday...


Only to DESTROY It Today!!
What a Mess!

As I painted, I noticed that there was nothing I could do to alleviate the mess. The more I tried to "make it pretty," the more profound the mess became.

Then it hit me - It's time to embrace the mess. Transformation is messy. Relationships are messy. Learning is messy. Being HUMAN is messy. It doesn't always have to be clear and simple. In fact, nothing REAL in life is ever cut and dry...and so I sit in the mess...and I notice that it is from the chaotic mess that the Phoenix rises again.

The painting is one that I started in 2007 - I haven't shown all of the layers, as there are far too many! This canvas holds layers and layers of my transformation. I call it "Ancient Phoenix Rising"...and it has yet to be completed. I suppose this one canvas holds my journey - and today, that journey is muddy and filled with uncertainty.

Amidst the uncertainty, however, I came to a new realization - I pour myself out to help others, yet deep down, I don't feel that I am allowed to have needs. I worry that I am a burden, or that my needs are too much, or that people will get sick of helping me...I have difficulty trusting others when I am vulnerable...especially right at this moment when I am staring down treatments for a rare disease that has leveled me in the last couple of years. 

Add to it negative comments from those that I love, and there is a toxic mix of painful emotions that tell me - PLAY SMALL!  IT'S NOT OKAY TO HAVE NEEDS!  That voice is loud and painful and persuasive, yet it no longer serves me.  Thus, I ask myself the question - how do I want it now? 

As I contemplate what it means to have needs, I have come to the conclusion that needs are a part of being human. No one is expected to be perfect and completely independent - We were made in the image of God, and the Godhead is THREE for a reason - God is constantly pouring from one to the other, thereby providing an ever-flowing kenotic love that endures for eternity.

This is the image that we emulate, although imperfectly. It's not about making ourselves smaller so that we can be more individualized, more autonomous, more independent....NO! It's about resting upon our rooted wisdom - the endless source of LOVE that comes from the source of all that is - so that we are able to clearly communicate what we need and therefore live in healthy community with others. This is the dance of THREE in human life - individual self, blessing seed of GOD, and community.

So today, I realized that it is okay to have needs. This is new for me, and I am learning to bravely explore this new dance.

Amen.

Unmanifested Wings (2011)

UNMANIFESTED WINGS

Tiny nubs poke just above my shoulder blades,

Bound, restricted, cut, bloodied, plucked, strapped to my body

Underneath a façade of stiletto prestige.

The shadow of my subconscious silently commands:

DO

NOT

GROW.

Every blood feather

Every bit of down comfort

Painfully pulled at the root

So frequently that it goes completely unnoticed.

Until the day it stopped…suddenly

The day the shadow went silent.

A cone of grace formed

All around me

With a complete sense of peace.

Slowly, v e r y s lo w l y

The bloodied nubs formed scabs

And scabs gave rise to tiny quills

Which birthed new blood feathers

And puffs of down comfort.

And after all of these years,

I realized that the tiny nubs

that poked just above my shoulder blades

weren’t nubs at all.

Instead, I discovered

that inside my cone of grace,

through time and s l o w healing

I had been given wings

so long ago

that I don’t even remember

when forgot how to fly.

We all have wings-

Unmanifested nubs

Yet to be discovered.

What would happen

if we stopped restricting them

and just let them grow?

Original Art and Poetry by Heather Thompson, Blue Phoenix Art

Flight Paths 2018
Heather Thompson
Mixed Media 20 x 20

The CREATIVE LIFE at Blue Phoenix Art

Fluid art allowed to EMERGE at Blue Phoenix Art Studio today! My friend Chrysty Hendrick taught flow painting, my kiddo taught some alcohol painting techniques, and we even did a group project. This is the CREATIVE LIFE...surrounded by animals that complete the very Franciscan picture out here on the mountainside!  

Reducing Prednisone on the Healing Journey

Dropping steroids is one of the hardest things to do when you have adrenal insufficiency AND auto immune stuff. But, you do it anyways. Basically imagine the worst flu EVER mixed with a stomach bug and PAIN. Yet, for me, the prednisone was causing a weak spine, so down we go.

Gotta honor the wins! I've come so far. And when I feel like I'm getting worse, I have to remind myself that I'm now managing my life with less steroid on board (thanks to the IVIG) and that is a huge accomplishment!

As of today I'm down to 30mg hydrocortisone (my replacement dose) and 10mg of prednisone (headed to zero). Note that 10mg of prednisone equals 40mg of hydrocortisone!

Why do I post about my health? My animals? My art? Theology? All in the same place?!  The answer is simple - this blog is a journey and my art is one of many expressions of the embodied experience of my life that includes healing, exploration, creativity, inspiration, challenge, suffering, failure, success and everything else that I encounter along the way.  I choose to no longer live in compartmentalized in boxes that others have created as an illusion of safety or perfectionism. NO!  I choose to live authentically and with integrity, and that means allowing the full integration of life to be what it is. This level of vulnerability is far from easy, but it is how I stand in harmony with my understanding of the Divine. And so I continue.....

Authentic Community Emerging

As I'm forced to BE STILL, I'm discovering a community emerging...authentic community...authentic relationships...people serving one another out of kenotic LOVE....people journeying and praying together...the role that "church" served in so many lives before it changed....

The following blog from Richard Rohr this morning not only speaks to romantic relationships and friendships, but it also expressed an entirely new idea of people intentionally being in relationship with one another.

Here's what he said....

"Teilhard, studying the human race over many thousands of years, realized that humanity was indeed learning to evolve in love. And once enough people began living with agape love, it would create a revolution like no other revolution. In time, such all-embracing love would bring about true freedom, true peace, and true harmony on Earth. . . .

Two things happen in any loving relationship. First, a new being—the relationship—is born with its own unique potentials and purpose. Second, the relationship—this new being—enhances and develops the individuals within it, each with their own unique potentials and purpose. Both effects, when recognized and developed, foster evolution. . . .

St. Thomas Aquinas was onto something important in the twelfth century when he wrote, in Latin, Relatio realis est. In English, this means something like “A relationship is something real.” If something is real, it means that it exists and can have an effect on other things, an effect that individual elements of the relationship by themselves might not be able to have. This is true of relationships on all levels of existence.

Among human beings, it is easy to see that a relationship has a life of its own and can have an effect on things—both on the individuals that make up the relationship and on things outside the relationship. Think of what close-knit groups of people can accomplish, for example, sports teams, research teams, ministry groups, and certain famous families. . . .

[In] Teilhard’s approach, when two people come together in a caring and productive way, not only are the two relating people enhanced and their capacities developed by their interaction, but their union, or relationship, becomes itself a Third Self [which] Teilhard calls . . . “a psychic unity” or “higher soul” or “higher center.” . . . The Third-Self relationship is capable of accomplishing more than either [of the members] alone."