My body is struggling today. So be it. I am having to learn to allow the struggle to be what it is...when it happens...ugh. The doctors here have informed me that some of my coping mechanisms - especially trying to make myself OK when I am not - are actually causing me physiological problems. They even have names for this kind of bootstrapping and what it does to the body. Ahhh...the challenge of living in harmony with mind/body/spirit in a culture that rewards disembodiment. Everything we see, read, hear is about how to force bodies into compliance so that we can do what WE want to do. Nope - doesn't work in my case. So today I am gonna rest, other than the big atomic bomb infusion I get this afternoon. Tomorrow will be a big day of testing again, then I fly home. I can't wait to see my daughter, and all the animals, and climb into my own bed.
Lots of lessons learned this trip - good and bad. For example, I discovered that I prefer pain over the hellish sensations of fainting/nausea/dysautonomia. I have discovered a lot about who cares about the things going on in my life, and who doesn't. That's always a big learning lesson. I discovered that I can fly (with accomodations) - which opens up some doors for Caitlyn and I to visit people that we have wanted to see for some time. I never know what my body is gonna do when, and I need to learn to relinquish control over this big unknown. My daughter and I can survive apart for 10 days - we've never done that before. My dad and I make really good room-mates - I'd like to take a fun vacation with him one of these days soon. What I used to see as weakness (disability, health struggles, etc.- probably because that's how others in my life saw it), I am learning that the people in my life today see me as strong and tough through my vulnerability and honesty. And perhaps most meaningful - I have found a voice through this experience. I shall keep expressing myself.
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